sunday sentiments: it's not a midlife crisis

you just keep looking behind you.

December is moving like it has somewhere to be. How are we already into the second week of the month? We were JUST carving a turkey and now we are about to be wrapping gifts.

Time, PLEASE slow down.

This week was light, yet intense. I found myself having a moment this week where everything felt so dire and my body didn’t know how to respond. In hindsight, I know my PPD was rearing it’s ugly head. Thankfully, I started my therapy sessions back up this week (first time since August) and it was much needed to finally get out of my head (and feelings) and processing how everything has been going these past few months.

I thank God for the gift of therapy. I don’t understand how some people think therapy is a contrast to prayer but in the same way we’d stop everything we are doing to see a doctor at the first sign of a high temp, it’s the same with seeing a mental health practitioner. I gets my therapy in …. OKAY!

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I’m not sure if I shared this last week or not, but my oldest daughter’s aunt (bio dad’s sister) passed away in her sleep early last week. It was very sudden and I am still very sad by it. She’s 20 years older than me so I always looked at her like an older sister. I haven’t seen her in person since moving from STL to Dallas 4 1/2 years ago but she always kept in touch and followed along with my daughter’s progress in basketball. She had just reshared this post on her FB page a few days prior.

If someone is on your heart to reach out to or go see, please don’t deny that nudge.

My daughter and I flew home in September due to the passing of her grandma (her father lost his grandma, mom, and sister all this year) and I reached out to her aunt to go see her. We weren’t able to find the time and one of the last things she said was, “Thanks for reaching out I would love to see y’all hopefully next time.” And now there won’t be a next time.

This aunt would purchase the birthday cake for my daughter’s parties. She was the one to purchase Black barbie dolls and told Addy, “these are the ones you collect - don’t open.” She was the oldest of 13 siblings with a heart of gold. She is someone that cannot be replaced and she will surely be missed.

To Kim. I love you.

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This afternoon after leaving a shoot and while waiting for my daughter to finish up with volunteering, I treated myself to a midday happy hour at one of my favorite spots. I was sitting at the bar alone, next to two beautiful Black woman and naturally we struck up a conversation. I don’t remember how we got on the topic, but after a much needed glass of red wine, I remember expressing how I am still in a season of understanding that what I have been feeling these past couple of years is NOT a midlife crisis but the result of me forcefully trying to pull tools from 2014 into 2024 and it is not working.

Let me explain.

In 2014, I was on go mode. I am known to be an over achiever and always applying for some opportunity or saying yes to some gig. I am a first generation college student and was a young mom - I had my daughter at 19 - while simultaneously finishing up school. My life was chaotic but it was chaos I could control. I had my chaos down to a science. Between working, school, parenting, trying to maintain a social life, AND repressing any raw feelings/emotions from peaking to the surface “because I can’t afford to be mad/sad/grieve” ….. as I said, on go mode.

I was under the impression that the success I experienced in that season was because of me. I was the first in my family to get a bachelors and a masters degree. I navigated the college application and scholarship process by myself all while being a mommy. I worked in education (college access) while in graduate school full time. I always had a point to prove that the more I piled on my plate, the better.

I was always getting tapped for opportunities and the ones I got always came from word of mouth or direct placement - what interview?!?!

Fast forward to 2024, while I am applying for 5374738438434 job applications and completing 453338384 interview assessments and experiencing denial after denial, I am constantly reaching in my tool box of chaos from 2014 to help me navigate 2024 AND IT IS NOT WORKING!!!!!!!

God has told me that it was in fact NOT me that got me through that season I was in 10 years ago, but it was His grace. I wracked up the accolades back then but I wasn’t healthy. I was constantly angry with my daughter’s father for his lack of support and my family experienced a lot of loss (from 2014-2017, I lost both grandmothers, two aunts and an uncle). I never allowed myself to fully process their loss because I was doing so much and couldn’t afford to slip.

His grace.

THAT is what I keep trying to go back to because there’s comfort in the chaos and I found success in that chaos and in my mind, ANYTHING is better than the recurring rejection and chronic uncertainty that I am sitting in right now …. right?

“Alana, you aren’t a 19 year old single mom anymore.

You aren’t trying to navigate being a first generation college student and work anymore.

My grace was sufficient in that season so leave it where it lay.”

I expressed this sentiment while sitting at the bar and they both resonated with this.

Idk what it is about being in our mid-30’s but I know quite a few women in my circle that can relate. God is doing some true pruning in our lives which makes me believe something bigger and better is on the horizon and He needs us at our best to steward it well.

To be honest, life has tainted my imagination so much these past two years but I am hopeful in these last few weeks of 2024. God can truly change my mindset and circumstances in the blink of an eye and that is the energy I desire to have moving forward.

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What I am Watching

So I watched the rest of The Madness this week and honestly, it really could’ve been done in 3 episodes. 8 episodes was an unnecessary stretch, but I had to see it through.

What I am Reading

I have the term “storyteller” set up for my Google Alerts, meaning, any content related to storytelling being produced around the globe gets picked up via SEO and sent to my inbox every single day. I want to stay up to date with what’s current and trending and constantly refresh my storytelling skills. Highly recommend to set up a google alert for whatever industry you are in.

What I am Listening to

On the way to a shoot, I listened to Sarah Jakes Roberts sermon, The Problem with the Promise. She talks about how we can become disenchanted with the distance between what our current reality is and what God’s promise for our life is - especially if it hasn’t come to pass. She goes on further to talk about the importance of God’s presence over God’s promise. I DO NOT want God’s promise without His presence. What I look like?!?!

What I am Creating

I got to create with my favorite client/friend for her holiday content she’s batching for the remainder of the year. She truly is THAT girl when it comes to fashion and she stretches my creativity which I am grateful for. Here’s a sneak peak:

Scripture I am Clinging to

Deuteronomy 14:2 “You have been set apart as holy to the Lord your God, and he has chosen you from all the nations to be his own special treasure.”

I hope you all have an amazing week.

Catch y’all on The Stack.

-Alana Marie