sunday sentiments: beauty in the unknown

there's peace in not always having the answers - contrary to popular belief

“What’s next for you? Now I’m asking the questions.”

Terrell Grice said jokingly as I was wrapping up his activation at the Culture House. Working in socials at BET has come with a lot of amazing experiences these past couple of months but this one was by far my favorite. I got to help lead the Culture Class activation which was a part of 2025 BET Awards. Terrell was one of our Culture Class members and one of the activations I produced during filming was called “Look at Me Now.” I found a young picture of all the creators and took turns showing them their pictures and asking them, “what would you say to this person now,'“ and film their natural reactions. It was a hit.

Once I got what I needed from Terrell, we stayed engrossed in conversation and this is what he asked me. I had asked him the same thing a few minutes prior.

But to hear, “what’s next for you,” took me by a slight surprise.

My response:

“Honestly, idk. And I don’t think I want to know. In this season of my life, I feel like I am being courted by God. Kind of like, when your date tells you to be ready by seven and even has your outfit laid out on the bed. You know you are going somewhere special, but just don’t have a clue where because it’s a surprise. That’s what it feels like. And it’s kind of nice to not know.”

Old Alana wouldn’t have said this because old Alana is a control freak. The remnants are still there for sure. I love spontaneity but I still err on the side of being a Type A personality.

I always say I’ve been a mom longer than I’ve been a woman so all of my adulthood required planning ahead, thinking ahead, staying abreast. Even in moments where things didn’t go as planned, I immediately went into problem solving mode. I was under the impression that I was under control. But these past two years, it felt like whatever I would put my hands on just didn’t work. It would crumble right before me.

My problem-solving tactics … my coping mechanisms … things that used to work before …. nothing was working for me now.

I had lost control. Damn near lost my mind.

In 2023 and especially 2024, I was deep into depression’s grip. Experiencing some moments of relief but would fall right back into its tight squeeze. There were many days where it was hard to even see the hand in front of my face. There were many days where I didn’t even want to … ya know.

Through fasting, prayer, God’s Holy nuggets, and people interceding on my behalf, I learned that it wasn’t just God forcing me to go through these horrible things. I also played a key role in my sadness and discontentment because of how I centered the idea of control. Because of how I tried to bring past habits into current day circumstances. Square peg meet round hole.

Today’s Alana can see the beauty in simply not knowing. God has brought forth so many amazing people in my world and afforded me some pretty cool experiences that this time last year was never on my radar. Meaning, I HAD NO CONTROL, NO SAY over the things I am experiencing today. All good things.

Many people have found my social handles due to my experience with both Essence and BET which don’t get me wrong - they’ve been some dope experiences and I am grateful to have put my own personalized stamp on staple culture-shifting media outlets.

But let’s be very clear.

My life isn’t better because of my title in those spaces. Anyone famous I’ve come across. Posts I’ve created that have gone viral.

January 7, 2025, a little after 6:30AM after dropping my oldest daughter off at the bus stop, I flipped my hands over to God and relinquished control.

I told God, “I aint got it. You know I don’t have it. I can’t keep doing this. I let it go.”

I was done being an active participant in my own demise. I was ready to participate in my own healing.

The only way that could be done was by letting go and allowing God to take over.

THAT was the key. The ONLY key.

Currently, I sit in another season of uncertainty. Not really knowing what to expect over the course of these next few months, but I promised God that I was done operating out of panic and scarcity. The same way God could bring opportunities to my doorstep without my doing, I trust He will keep doing so.

I just have to stay in position. Stay ready. Stay grounded. Stay grateful.

Whatever is next, my outfit is on the bed and I’ll be ready by seven.

………………………………………………………………

What I am Watching

I’m back in my documentary mode, especially since I am gearing up to go into post-production of my current film. I recently binged the 3-part docu-series on HBO Max titled, “The Mortician.” Baby …. all I can say is, people truly are crazy. Also, don’t watch this while eating. I also just started the documentary on Pee Wee Herman. So far, so good.

What I am Reading

Y’all, I have fallen back in love with reading. When I say I have hit the ground running and haven’t stopped! Since May, I have read 10 books. Kennedy Ryan kicked this all off for me. She’s made a fan out of me. I also made a profile on the Hoopla app so I could stop spending all this money on books and been renting books for free. Now I’m on the Alexandria House train. Honey …. I know these are fictional stories but WHEW! I’m engrossed lol.

What I am Listening to

If it ain’t these audio books, I’ve had my gospel music in heavy rotation. I’m going into week 11 of consistently working out and every time I go for my 2 mile walk, I have my gospel playlist going. We also listen to gospel music every morning before Demi goes to daycare. My baby loves a good at-home praise and worship service.

What I am Praying for

Y’all see the news. We are living through some really heavy and dark times. It feels like tragedy is lurking around every corner and that the bad people are winning - that all their deeds are going unpunished. It is taking a lot of work to keep my heart tender. But this has also intensified my prayer life. Most recently, the floods at Camp Mystic that have taken the lives of over 80 people, most of which are children. To see images of their smiling faces with captions stating that they have been found but not alive, is gut-wrenching. I am praying for their little souls in their finals moments. Praying for the heaviness of their family’s grief that they are about to experience over the days/years to come. It’s a lot and my human mind simply cannot understand why something like this could happen.

This felt really good y’all. I haven’t touched my substack in almost two months and I really missed it. I turn 35 in exactly one week and have been in deep thought and reflecting on my life … a lot.

I am for sure writing another post on my birthday and y’all may even get another one sometime mid-week.

Anywho, I missed y’all. I hope y’all enjoyed this read and that it encouraged somebody.

Have an amazing week.

-Alana